The metaphoric imagery in this article by Jennifer Jones is definitely powerful and confronting, but I agree with it. For me this is the ultimate goal of intimate relationships in life.
I kind of feel that the various essential areas of my life: myself, my original family, my chosen family (ie: my partner), career, friends... are all like flowerpots in a row that will flourish or wilt and die depending on how much water and care I give them. It can't be taken for granted that any of them can survive without care. It feels like the only way that is possible is through self-awareness and being pro-active about life. To me, happiness is not the euphoria of joy (the opposite extreme to pain & anguish)... it is the peace and deep feeling of contentment that provides the foundation for all other emotions to glide over the top of without eroding what is underneath.
xx
Saturday 26 March 2011
Thursday 24 March 2011
ups and downs
life is most definitely on a an emotional rollercoaster for me right now. Actually for both of us...
My bf is going through withdrawal right now. He thought he'd been through it, but turns out that was only the beginning. NOW the real emotional rollercoaster is starting. Because he is finally having to fully experience the emotions that come up without numbing them by acting out, life is really challenging for him. The scary thing for me is watching him experience these lows with no safety net. He seems to think that he is so strong that he can just white-knuckle his way through all the bad times with nothing to make him feel better. When he starts feeling terrible he goes further into it, rather than calling someone from the fellowship or using any healthy methods to make him feel better, it's almost like he likes the pain. That he is punishing himself. Apparently this is what he would always do when he was little as well. The problem for me is that I see the man I love vanishing into the distance in these times. His eyes get so distant and I can see these warning lights flashing that if he doesn't catch it then, the downward spiral starts until he loses his sobriety in one way or another. It is such a fine line between not trying to fix it for him by suggesting stuff, and standing back and having it ultimately affect me anyway.
Yesterday he was triggered by having to throw away a bunch of flowers that he had bought for his mum, that had sat on the top shelf in our living room slowly dying. He was hurt by looking at them, went and threw them out, then continued with his work in that room feeling worse and worse and not doing anything about it until he started fantasising about having sex with another girl, any other girl. He stopped the fantasy almost immediately, so his brain in withdrawal started searching for ways to act out. He couldn't masturbate, he couldn't use porn, he wasn't going to cheat on his girlfriend, so obviously the only other option would be to leave, to destroy it, and go have sex with whoever he likes. This thought was completely freaking him out, it wasn't something he had ever thought about before... it was, his therapist and support have confirmed since, an addictive trance prompted by withdrawal...
Unfortunately I walked into the room whilst he was in the middle of those thoughts and asked if he was ok. He thought that honesty was better than lying and told me everything he was thinking. It felt like my world was falling apart. The only thing I've been totally sure of in our whole relationship was that he was totally in love with me and that our emotional bond was never in question. Everything he was saying, all the language he was using was like looking and listening to a different person. He said later he felt no emotion at all whilst it was happening... all he wanted was to feed his addiction. After about 20 minutes he came out of it and started employing his CBT techiques to make sense of what he had been feeling. He said that when he played his fantasies through to the end, the person he always ends up with is me. That he doesn't understand why his brain was suddenly making him question the reality of his life and relationship... and he felt like shit for leaving me in a dissolved heap of disbelief and grief in the corner. He called people in his fellowship and talked it all through with them, made sense of what had happened, we canceled the dinner we were going to be going to and he went to a meeting... and I went to my first S-Anon meeting. He came and met me for dinner afterwards and is still feeling completely freaked out by both what his brain on withdrawal tried to do to him and what it did to me.
I feel like a battered wreck.
Last night was positive and we made some boundaries for ourselves.
- no more reading full-on literature about addiction or his issues with his parents in bed or just before sleep. We need to give ourselves a break and have our own bonding time.
- I said that what I need is for him to create an Escape Plan/Check List for withdrawal and cravings. Keep it in his wallet, on his phone, whatever... but the moment he hits a stressful situation, whether or not he thinks it's affecting him... I asked if he could follow the list that he makes for himself ie: call his sponsor, contact the fellowship, remove himself immediately from the situation/location, get outside, go for a walk, listen to some music that relaxes you, call a friend that you feel safe with, do something nice for yourself...
I know that some of those things sound stupid, but it's not the list. I don't know what his list is, but he is going to make it for himself. It was hard to know whether it was ok for me to ask that, because I don't want to try to fix him any more, or take on the responsibility of his addiction... but yesterday hurt me so much, his behaviour was hurting me so much, that I felt it was ok to ask for what I need from the relationship.
It wasn't until we were walking home last night that he realised that the trigger had been throwing out the flowers. That he had completely blocked out that he even did it until that moment.
We slept well last night, although I woke up in the middle of the night because he was acting out in his sleep again. It's always really violent self-abuse in the form of masturbation and only for a few seconds in his sleep, and he never remembers it. My mind is so hyper-alert still to all those things that I wake up instantly... although now I'm able to see it as a symptom of withdrawal and a warning sign. He only ever does it when he is unhappy or stressed. What a strange thing the brain is...
Today though, he was still in a bad way. He had his therapy this morning and was feeling so down from going through all the childhood stuff that he came back and just descended into a totally isolated 'I'm going to sit here and make the pain worse, be consumed by it' mode. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope of helping or not helping... eventually I forced him to come outside for a walk because I just couldn't handle another day like yesterday, and once he was outside he felt better, then when we got home he felt worse again... it's all such a massive rollercoaster. I don't feel like he has fully taken on the condition that I asked for about the checklist/Escape Plan. He described it as a kind of adult tantrum where he decides to do nothing and make the pain worse. The problem is that it is really really hard not be hurt by and I can't take responsibility for his situation or recovery by making him do things to feel better. He has to come to that point himself.
I feel well and truly in the middle of Step One right now. Total powerlessness over the situation. A small part of me wants to go away somewhere whilst he is in this phase and let him work himself out, but I don't have anywhere to go right now. None of my friends know what is going on, and I don't have any money right now to take myself off on holiday to a friend for a week or anything. He is going to another meeting tonight. I guess we'll see. I am trying to work out what the best thing is for me right now. I have put a hold on looking for a new place for at least a few days... I feel like ignoring what happened and moving forward like normal wouldn't be healthy. I have to wait and see. The man I love is hurting right now, but that doesn't mean he might not hurt me. Moving won't fix it, even if it will dramatically reduce the stress around us. I need to just sit back and watch where the wind blows this week I think...
And after all that, the S-Anon meeting was incredibly helpful. I recommend it to anyone affected by someone else's sexual behaviour. The link is on the side of this page.
We've been moving forward one day at a time. Today I feel it is minute by minute.
Tuesday 22 March 2011
sunny days, new journeys and relapses
So... just a bit of an update I guess. Life has been pretty good today. Sunny, warm... we had a lovely day going to chill out at markets and in the park. It was my choice of what to do because I was feeling bad this morning. I realised at about 11am that because we were both so distracted with all things 'recovery' yesterday that I totally spaced out and forgot that it was my best friend's birthday dinner last night. Didn't even cross my mind to connect the dots between it being Monday and it being that Monday. ARGH!!!!
Got a text from her this morning, worried about me and checking that we were both alright. Cannot POSSIBLY describe how guilty I felt. I called her almost in tears apologising... half of the tears because I couldn't tell her the real reason why we were so distracted... although the reason that she assumed of shared house stress and problems with his mum were actually true... crazy that she is so sympathetic about how stressed we must be with those things and she doesn't even know half of what has actually happened to us. Anyway, she wasn't angry at all because it was just so absolutely unlike me to ever miss out on a close friend's celebration (I'm usually the one arriving early with cupcakes and cocktails!), that she knew there must be something serious going on. I feel terrible about it, and slightly brought down to earth about the effect that this is obviously having on my life. I just wish I could have told her... but it's not my story to tell. And also there is such a stigma involved in anything sexual, particularly in Britain, that I'm not sure whether even my close friends would really understand.
Someone from S-Anon replied to my email with meeting times, but I can't go to the one this week because we are going to dinner with friends. Not going to miss out on 2 dinners this week! Kind of feel like connecting with friends and keeping that secure foundation in our life present is just as important.
Anyway, we decided yesterday that we are going to move house sooner rather than later and get into a place of our own. We thought we could stay a few more months here to save some more money, but our flatmate is also a sex addict (although he hasn't hit rock bottom yet) which is pretty difficult to be around when we are in recovery, and although we both love him to bits we really need our own space to move on and concentrate on ourselves. We will be a better friend to him that way as well... at the moment we are both distancing ourselves from him a bit because his behaviour feels quite stressful to be around.
I'm not saying that a new place will solve loads of problems, but it does feel like the stress of moving will actually be less than the stress of staying here for another 4 months. I was just worried about my bf having any more stress whilst he is recovering, but he is really craving our own space as well, so we have decided to go for it. My only boundary that I have laid down about it is that it needs to be something that we do together. I don't want him to feel like it's just another woman like his mother doing everything for him. I definitely don't want to enter that kind of dynamic in our relationship. I kind of feel that it will help his recovery to feel like he is being proactive about creating the kind of life he wants to have, and it will help me feel like the balance is healthy and what I want from life. So as much as I am restraining myself from spending all day looking up estate agents and getting onto it, I'm going to step back and not get into my usual organisational googling whirl. We are going to make times to look together, to sit down and make a list of what he wants from a place, what I want from a place, what we don't want (!), and formulate a plan together that either of us can then follow but feel that it's something we've done together. It's really hard for me to wait, but it's probably a very good thing that I do. I have a tendency to kind of sort stuff out for people all the time and be the one who organises stuff. I want to stop doing that and get a good balance there. We aren't in a massive rush, so the process of doing this is going to be as important as the end result.
He looks better these last few days. I can see into his eyes again. I know that sounds weird, but when he's feeling a lot of pain or guilt his eyes cloud over, and I can see the warning signs of a relapse days and days before. He relapsed with me the other night. During sex. It's amazing how now that he can actually be intimate again, when he switched over into 'acting out' mode the change was so apparent and so scary. He was really upset that he had put me through it, and also that he felt he couldn't call himself sober any more and had to start over. It sounds weird that he could have acted out with me there, but it's kind of like his bottom line behaviour was finding any way to medicate him and take the pain away. We talked a lot about it and have decided that if it starts feeling that way when we are being intimate we will stop straight away from now on.
God, it's all so complicated. Strange that my overwhelming feeling could be positive when this sounds so weird, but he is getting so self- aware and is so on top of things... this slip could have been much worse. Am I being weird for allowing this to have gone on and not stopped it whilst we were having sex though? I just wanted to be close to him and thought maybe it was just a moment... but it wasn't. Ah, we'll get there...
xx
Got a text from her this morning, worried about me and checking that we were both alright. Cannot POSSIBLY describe how guilty I felt. I called her almost in tears apologising... half of the tears because I couldn't tell her the real reason why we were so distracted... although the reason that she assumed of shared house stress and problems with his mum were actually true... crazy that she is so sympathetic about how stressed we must be with those things and she doesn't even know half of what has actually happened to us. Anyway, she wasn't angry at all because it was just so absolutely unlike me to ever miss out on a close friend's celebration (I'm usually the one arriving early with cupcakes and cocktails!), that she knew there must be something serious going on. I feel terrible about it, and slightly brought down to earth about the effect that this is obviously having on my life. I just wish I could have told her... but it's not my story to tell. And also there is such a stigma involved in anything sexual, particularly in Britain, that I'm not sure whether even my close friends would really understand.
Someone from S-Anon replied to my email with meeting times, but I can't go to the one this week because we are going to dinner with friends. Not going to miss out on 2 dinners this week! Kind of feel like connecting with friends and keeping that secure foundation in our life present is just as important.
Anyway, we decided yesterday that we are going to move house sooner rather than later and get into a place of our own. We thought we could stay a few more months here to save some more money, but our flatmate is also a sex addict (although he hasn't hit rock bottom yet) which is pretty difficult to be around when we are in recovery, and although we both love him to bits we really need our own space to move on and concentrate on ourselves. We will be a better friend to him that way as well... at the moment we are both distancing ourselves from him a bit because his behaviour feels quite stressful to be around.
I'm not saying that a new place will solve loads of problems, but it does feel like the stress of moving will actually be less than the stress of staying here for another 4 months. I was just worried about my bf having any more stress whilst he is recovering, but he is really craving our own space as well, so we have decided to go for it. My only boundary that I have laid down about it is that it needs to be something that we do together. I don't want him to feel like it's just another woman like his mother doing everything for him. I definitely don't want to enter that kind of dynamic in our relationship. I kind of feel that it will help his recovery to feel like he is being proactive about creating the kind of life he wants to have, and it will help me feel like the balance is healthy and what I want from life. So as much as I am restraining myself from spending all day looking up estate agents and getting onto it, I'm going to step back and not get into my usual organisational googling whirl. We are going to make times to look together, to sit down and make a list of what he wants from a place, what I want from a place, what we don't want (!), and formulate a plan together that either of us can then follow but feel that it's something we've done together. It's really hard for me to wait, but it's probably a very good thing that I do. I have a tendency to kind of sort stuff out for people all the time and be the one who organises stuff. I want to stop doing that and get a good balance there. We aren't in a massive rush, so the process of doing this is going to be as important as the end result.
He looks better these last few days. I can see into his eyes again. I know that sounds weird, but when he's feeling a lot of pain or guilt his eyes cloud over, and I can see the warning signs of a relapse days and days before. He relapsed with me the other night. During sex. It's amazing how now that he can actually be intimate again, when he switched over into 'acting out' mode the change was so apparent and so scary. He was really upset that he had put me through it, and also that he felt he couldn't call himself sober any more and had to start over. It sounds weird that he could have acted out with me there, but it's kind of like his bottom line behaviour was finding any way to medicate him and take the pain away. We talked a lot about it and have decided that if it starts feeling that way when we are being intimate we will stop straight away from now on.
God, it's all so complicated. Strange that my overwhelming feeling could be positive when this sounds so weird, but he is getting so self- aware and is so on top of things... this slip could have been much worse. Am I being weird for allowing this to have gone on and not stopped it whilst we were having sex though? I just wanted to be close to him and thought maybe it was just a moment... but it wasn't. Ah, we'll get there...
xx
Sunday 20 March 2011
is the term co-addict really helpful?
I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable all week with the way articles talk about co-addiction and how unhelpful it has felt in aiding recovery. I understand that in order to not have got up and walked away from the relationship the moment I knew there was a problem that I must have certain character traits present, but I really feel that a lot of literature out there seems to confuse co-dependency and being the unwitting partner of a porn addict. Admittedly porn addiction is also clearly different to other levels of sex addiction, but anyway that's stuff for another post...
Anyway, it's been really annoying me... I feel like articles are saying to me that I have just as big a problem, I caused this problem for myself, and betrayal was inevitable for me because of my past. Bollocks! I don't believe this to be the case. My self-esteem has definitely been severely damaged by his addiction, but it wasn't at that level to begin with. I was in a very good place in my life and my head when we got together. He was obviously still an addict at that stage but was in one of the most positive mental places he had ever been in his life when we met. We were both single, had been single for a while, were happy, healthy and very pragmatic and realistic about our relationship. We were careful not to rush even though we were in love... were mindful of protecting the relationship long term. When his porn addiction resurfaced 6 months into the relationship it grew over time, made worse by extreme external stressors until it was spiraling out of control. At its worst points I was definitely in a place of trying to control my environment to minimise the damage and save our relationship, but I feel that it was more a response to trauma and self-protection than a syndrome of co-dependency and that damaging term co-addict.
The site that I have found the most supportive, insightful and helpful in the covering almost every aspect of porn addiction and recovery for both my partner and I is www.pornaddicthubby.com
I read over the articles on there often when I'm feeling down or worried about things and it has really helped. Reading all this stuff that was telling me that I was just as sick as he was just made me feel more depressed, it didn't feel right. I kept wondering if those articles were written by men, or perhaps incredibly bitter women because they seemed to be more damaging than helpful in terms of effecting a positive recovery. Yes, I do obviously need to look at myself and my own past just as much as he does, because apart from anything else then we will be on equal footing psychologically long-term... but right now what I need is some support, not someone telling me it was my fault.
I would say that this is just how I feel about my own situation. If this was 10 years ago I would probably say the term co-addict would have been more applicable when I was stumbling through life in a fog of pain from my dysfunctional teenage years, entering into a few pretty unhealthy relationships. I think a lot of us could probably relate to that! But then I worked on myself, really thought about that stuff, got happy with my own company and learned to really like myself and treat myself with respect. The 'me' of 10 years ago is most definitely not the 'me' of now. And the things I loved about my partner when I got together with him was that he really did treat me with respect, I didn't have to be anyone other than who I was. I never got jealous or felt insecure because he made it very clear that I had nothing to worry about. Once the porn addiction resurfaced, all my old insecurities and traumatic coping mechanisms came with it. Then every girl who came across as 'not that safe' (we women know who they are!) sent me into a silent panic, everything felt unstable and confusing, but I coud tell it also felt confusing to him because he genuinely loved me and was looking towards the future and couldn't understand that his old coping mechanism for stress of turning to porn and masturbation was taking him backwards rather than forwards. Both of us were unknowingly reacting to the trauma that he was inflicting on himself. And now we are both healing from it.
One quote I would like to share from a fantastic article which pretty much sums up my feeling on the subject is this:
Calling the partner of a sex addict
a “co-addict” is not unlike blaming a rape victim for her assault or a battered woman for her beating. It is blaming the victim, rather than looking
for ways to support someone who has experienced the unthinkable.
Anyway, it's been really annoying me... I feel like articles are saying to me that I have just as big a problem, I caused this problem for myself, and betrayal was inevitable for me because of my past. Bollocks! I don't believe this to be the case. My self-esteem has definitely been severely damaged by his addiction, but it wasn't at that level to begin with. I was in a very good place in my life and my head when we got together. He was obviously still an addict at that stage but was in one of the most positive mental places he had ever been in his life when we met. We were both single, had been single for a while, were happy, healthy and very pragmatic and realistic about our relationship. We were careful not to rush even though we were in love... were mindful of protecting the relationship long term. When his porn addiction resurfaced 6 months into the relationship it grew over time, made worse by extreme external stressors until it was spiraling out of control. At its worst points I was definitely in a place of trying to control my environment to minimise the damage and save our relationship, but I feel that it was more a response to trauma and self-protection than a syndrome of co-dependency and that damaging term co-addict.
The site that I have found the most supportive, insightful and helpful in the covering almost every aspect of porn addiction and recovery for both my partner and I is www.pornaddicthubby.com
I read over the articles on there often when I'm feeling down or worried about things and it has really helped. Reading all this stuff that was telling me that I was just as sick as he was just made me feel more depressed, it didn't feel right. I kept wondering if those articles were written by men, or perhaps incredibly bitter women because they seemed to be more damaging than helpful in terms of effecting a positive recovery. Yes, I do obviously need to look at myself and my own past just as much as he does, because apart from anything else then we will be on equal footing psychologically long-term... but right now what I need is some support, not someone telling me it was my fault.
I would say that this is just how I feel about my own situation. If this was 10 years ago I would probably say the term co-addict would have been more applicable when I was stumbling through life in a fog of pain from my dysfunctional teenage years, entering into a few pretty unhealthy relationships. I think a lot of us could probably relate to that! But then I worked on myself, really thought about that stuff, got happy with my own company and learned to really like myself and treat myself with respect. The 'me' of 10 years ago is most definitely not the 'me' of now. And the things I loved about my partner when I got together with him was that he really did treat me with respect, I didn't have to be anyone other than who I was. I never got jealous or felt insecure because he made it very clear that I had nothing to worry about. Once the porn addiction resurfaced, all my old insecurities and traumatic coping mechanisms came with it. Then every girl who came across as 'not that safe' (we women know who they are!) sent me into a silent panic, everything felt unstable and confusing, but I coud tell it also felt confusing to him because he genuinely loved me and was looking towards the future and couldn't understand that his old coping mechanism for stress of turning to porn and masturbation was taking him backwards rather than forwards. Both of us were unknowingly reacting to the trauma that he was inflicting on himself. And now we are both healing from it.
One quote I would like to share from a fantastic article which pretty much sums up my feeling on the subject is this:
Calling the partner of a sex addict
a “co-addict” is not unlike blaming a rape victim for her assault or a battered woman for her beating. It is blaming the victim, rather than looking
for ways to support someone who has experienced the unthinkable.
Friday 18 March 2011
checklist for me to read over
I'm trying to take more responsibility for my own recovery. I get scared by the thought of concentrating on oneself to the point of neglecting the relationship though. When my partner says to me that I may notice a change in him this week because his therapist told him to stop worrying about everyone else and concentrate more on himself... whilst I completely agree with the therapist I'm a bit scared of the way that he may interpret that. I feel scared of being hurt any more by this situation with porn addiction and am reminded of feeling neglected whilst he was in the middle of it. There was a phase where he basically did whatever he wanted and I could fit into it or not, my choice. That wasn't healthy and we talked about it and got to a good level of balance and compromise within the relationship. I'm scared of losing that balance. I guess we'll see what happens. The problem is that I'm scared a lot at the moment and need to trust more. Unfortunately my ability to trust right now is pretty injured and I kind of feel like it is too early and would be naieve of me to trust without seeing proof in actions. I'm looking forward to regaining a life with inate trust though. This way isn't nearly as nice, I don't like it. I prefer being that optimistic, trusting person. Every time I feel like I'm naieve for trusting and being proved wrong it adds up to one big blow to my self-esteem. Frankly I feel like a good dollop of attention right now. I feel like not filling in the gaps of communication, not being the one to bring up what is healthy for the relationship. He was very much in that phase in the first month or so of recovery... at the moment he is dealing with both withdrawal and feeling a lot emotions for the first time really as an adult so I need to cut him some slack. It's hard when you've already been hurt though. I don't rely on him for my happiness, but not worrying about him all the time is also going to take some responsibility from him letting me know that he's ok, just like he needs me to let him know that I am ok. I'm not saying that he's not doing this by the way... am just thinking stream of consciousness stuff. I felt the need for some really spontaneous attention emotionally rather than physically from him and I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. Hmm. Not disproportionate attention... just all in balance. Hmm, am definitely still in recovery. I don't think I should be craving attention because in all honesty he gives me a lot of it. It is something about feeling like the ground isn't quite stable underneath us yet and I'm looking for reassurance that it is both of us taking care of keeping it steady both together and apart. He is. I know that. I don't know why I'm scared. But I am. Ah the craziness that goes with this co addict thing. My brain goes into a whirl!
Part of the Dalai Lama book I'm reading talks about being completely 'in the moment' and not worrying about the future or the past because that is where unhappiness lies. It is true that if I just think about this exact moment, everything is actually really good. Am going to try to do that and stop worrying about what I can't control.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
This article has a great checklist for unhealthy vs healthy relationship habits in the healing process. Am going to keep this and look over it from time to time :)
This next bit is taken from an article on www.pornaddicthubby.com on feeling fear in relationships. Incredibly wise words. They are helping...
People often express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving
intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am
willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their
visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects
of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that
most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come
face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families
and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One
that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!)
because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have
parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates
the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable
and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel
exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving
relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life
comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for
love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear,responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing
fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
Part of the Dalai Lama book I'm reading talks about being completely 'in the moment' and not worrying about the future or the past because that is where unhappiness lies. It is true that if I just think about this exact moment, everything is actually really good. Am going to try to do that and stop worrying about what I can't control.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.
This article has a great checklist for unhealthy vs healthy relationship habits in the healing process. Am going to keep this and look over it from time to time :)
This next bit is taken from an article on www.pornaddicthubby.com on feeling fear in relationships. Incredibly wise words. They are helping...
People often express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving
intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am
willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their
visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects
of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that
most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.
When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come
face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families
and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One
that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!)
because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have
parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates
the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable
and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel
exhilarating, yet also terrifying.
These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving
relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life
comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for
love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.
If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!
And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.
If, however, we choose love instead of fear,responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing
fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.
In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.
accountability on the iPhone
One of the first things that my bf did when he started his recovery, was look for the best accountability software he could find and install it on his laptop. I have the password and am his accountability partner, so get weekely emails detailing his internet browsing. He has found it incredibly useful to become more aware of how he was using the internet and I have found it the most useful tool of all in regaining trust in him. One of the things that has been worrying me over the last month has been comments that he has made along the lines of "well if I was going to do anything anyway I would just look it up on my iPhone". I'm aware that he's not going to, because when he needed to unsubscribe from an old pornsite mailing list he connected through his phone, had a major freakout about how tempting it was to go back to old habits (the fact that he could have been tempted whilst driving my mum's car I find really freaky, but such is the weird life of sex addiction) and made the first conscious choice he has had to make to NOT go there. He was proud, I was proud, we were all proud :) I was also terrified by the story but would much rather he continued with complete disclosure where his addiction is concerned.
Anyway, I am worried about the iPhone though and it is a niggling thought that I would rather not have. Not so much for now, but for the future. I found this about the Covenant Eyes iPhone app though and am feeling better. Thought I'd post it here for anyone else worried about this.
Anyway, I am worried about the iPhone though and it is a niggling thought that I would rather not have. Not so much for now, but for the future. I found this about the Covenant Eyes iPhone app though and am feeling better. Thought I'd post it here for anyone else worried about this.
12 steps
I am looking for 12 step meetings in my city to join. Emails sent to COSA and S-Anon and now I'm waiting to hear back about where and when the meetings are. I really feel the need to be in some sort of support group for partners. In the last few days particularly I've been getting really annoyed with myself that I'm slipping into really unhealthy old habits and neuroses where my bf's recovery is concerned. It's not going to help him if I'm a nervous wreck... it's definitely not going to help me or my future kids if I'm not centred and confident and emotionally self-sufficient. The shame I've felt with this whole thing has meant that I haven't really been talking to friends at all, let alone about this... I haven't been calling them as much, when I'm away for work I've been isolating myself from the group because I was so constantly worried about what was going on with my bf at home. Every time it would seem like things were on a healthy track something would happen with him or his mother that would send me back into a terrified tailspin.
It stops here. I have to take charge of my own life and recovery. He is doing really really well in his therapy and meetings. If I don't look after myself it's kind of putting him through the wringer as well. How can he recover if he is constantly worrying about me? That kind of makes me laugh. That we could care too much. And it also makes me worried about the concept of concentrating on ourselves for a bit. To me it is all about balance. Concentrating on ourselves and our own individual happiness, to me, should also include a balanced care of the relationship. Not ignoring the other's needs... not putting them through the same kind of emotional neglect that we were subjected to as children whilst our parents concentrated on their needs above ours... I'm really into the concept of balance in life as the answer to lasting happiness and peace. Maybe it's because I'm Libran??
Anyway, I'm hoping to get into a 12 step program like S-Anon from next week. I went to a SLAA meeting last week when I found my bf's dream diary next to the bed and on the first page was a sexual dream about a girl that I've actually felt envious of in the past. Now, I have as many sexy dreams about random unexpected people as anyone and am completely aware that it actually doesn't mean anything... but in the context of all that we've been going through it felt like the last straw for me for that day and I headed off on the train in search of any support group I could find. They were incredibly nice at the meeting and it did help, but I do feel that it's not really the right group for me personally. I really wanted to be somewhere for partners. So that's what I'm looking for.
On the website for S-Anon there is this checklist to see if it might be suitable for you. Reading it rang a lot of bells.
I answered yes to every question except for questions 4 & 18.... alas a lot of the yes's were in response to old situations, although in retrospect even 18 might actually be a yes when I remembered that I was in a very scary situation when I was 17 where a guy pressured me into having sex with him and I felt that it was bordering on date rape but never pressed any charges or took it any further. The thing is that I spent so many years really working through those old situations and getting my life and head into a really healthy state... my overwhelming feeling at the moment is frustration that I could have ended up putting myself through any more pain where this sort of stuff is concerned... I guess the only comforting thing here is that my partner took responsibility for himself very soon after his addiction resurfaced within our relationship and unlike my past situations, we are both really concentrating on structuring our lives to be as healthy as possible. I guess because we both have such similar personal histories we will probably always be susceptible to falling back into our old fears and negative coping mechanisms... I'm choosing today to feel proud of us both for taking steps to ensure that it won't happen, that we can have the healthiest relationship possible with ourselves and each other, and that the cycle of unhealthiness will stop with us. I am confident we can do it. He is a strong person, so am I, and we are both taking it really seriously. One day at a time. But I need some help, I don't think I can do it on my own. I am annoying myself by not being able to stop the fear and the bad habits, when he is doing so well. It is explained really well in the Porn Paradox ...
anyway, one day at a time. I'm feeling pretty good. Am off to meet up with a friend now. Time to be kind to myself. Big hugs to you, whoever you are reading this. xx
It stops here. I have to take charge of my own life and recovery. He is doing really really well in his therapy and meetings. If I don't look after myself it's kind of putting him through the wringer as well. How can he recover if he is constantly worrying about me? That kind of makes me laugh. That we could care too much. And it also makes me worried about the concept of concentrating on ourselves for a bit. To me it is all about balance. Concentrating on ourselves and our own individual happiness, to me, should also include a balanced care of the relationship. Not ignoring the other's needs... not putting them through the same kind of emotional neglect that we were subjected to as children whilst our parents concentrated on their needs above ours... I'm really into the concept of balance in life as the answer to lasting happiness and peace. Maybe it's because I'm Libran??
Anyway, I'm hoping to get into a 12 step program like S-Anon from next week. I went to a SLAA meeting last week when I found my bf's dream diary next to the bed and on the first page was a sexual dream about a girl that I've actually felt envious of in the past. Now, I have as many sexy dreams about random unexpected people as anyone and am completely aware that it actually doesn't mean anything... but in the context of all that we've been going through it felt like the last straw for me for that day and I headed off on the train in search of any support group I could find. They were incredibly nice at the meeting and it did help, but I do feel that it's not really the right group for me personally. I really wanted to be somewhere for partners. So that's what I'm looking for.
On the website for S-Anon there is this checklist to see if it might be suitable for you. Reading it rang a lot of bells.
I answered yes to every question except for questions 4 & 18.... alas a lot of the yes's were in response to old situations, although in retrospect even 18 might actually be a yes when I remembered that I was in a very scary situation when I was 17 where a guy pressured me into having sex with him and I felt that it was bordering on date rape but never pressed any charges or took it any further. The thing is that I spent so many years really working through those old situations and getting my life and head into a really healthy state... my overwhelming feeling at the moment is frustration that I could have ended up putting myself through any more pain where this sort of stuff is concerned... I guess the only comforting thing here is that my partner took responsibility for himself very soon after his addiction resurfaced within our relationship and unlike my past situations, we are both really concentrating on structuring our lives to be as healthy as possible. I guess because we both have such similar personal histories we will probably always be susceptible to falling back into our old fears and negative coping mechanisms... I'm choosing today to feel proud of us both for taking steps to ensure that it won't happen, that we can have the healthiest relationship possible with ourselves and each other, and that the cycle of unhealthiness will stop with us. I am confident we can do it. He is a strong person, so am I, and we are both taking it really seriously. One day at a time. But I need some help, I don't think I can do it on my own. I am annoying myself by not being able to stop the fear and the bad habits, when he is doing so well. It is explained really well in the Porn Paradox ...
anyway, one day at a time. I'm feeling pretty good. Am off to meet up with a friend now. Time to be kind to myself. Big hugs to you, whoever you are reading this. xx
"Reprinted with permission of S-Anon International Family Groups, Inc., Nashville, TN. Compliance with S-Anon International Family Groups, Inc.'s copyrights and trademarks is required."
The S-Anon Checklist
| 1. | Have you felt hurt or embarrassed by someone’s sexual conduct? |
| 2. | Have you secretly searched for clues about someone’s sexual behavior? |
| 3. | Have you lied about or covered up another person’s sexual conduct? |
| 4. | Have you had money problems because of someone’s sexual behavior? |
| 5. | Have you felt betrayed or abandoned by someone you loved and trusted? |
| 6. | Are you afraid to upset the sexaholic for fear that he or she will leave you? |
| 7. | Have you tried to control somebody’s sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others? |
| 8. | Have you used sex to try to keep peace in a relationship? |
| 9. | Have you tried to convince yourself that someone else’s sexual thoughts and behavior shouldn’t bother you? |
| 10. | Have you felt that sex plays an all-consuming role in your relationship? |
| 11. | Have you doubted your attractiveness, your emotions, and your sanity? |
| 12. | Have you felt responsible for the sexual behavior of another person? |
| 13. | Have you felt angry and/or stupid for not knowing about someone’s sexual acting out behavior? |
| 14. | Have you engaged in uncomfortable, unwanted, or physically dangerous sexual behavior? |
| 15. | Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide because of someone’s sexual behavior? |
| 16. | Has your preoccupation with someone’s sexual thoughts and behavior affected your relationships with your children, your co-workers, and/or other friends or family members? |
| 17. | Have you neglected your physical and/or emotional health while in a relationship? |
| 18. | Have you helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble, or feared legal action as a result of his or her sexual behavior? |
| 19. | Have you blamed other people, such as friends or sexual partners, society in general, his/her job, religion, or birth family for someone’s sexual behavior? |
| 20. | Have you felt confused about what is true when talking with someone about his or her sexual thoughts or behavior? |
| 21. | Have you avoided painful emotions by using drugs, alcohol, or food or by being too busy? |
| 22. | Have you ever felt that someone was inappropriately attracted to you or your children? |
| 23. | Have you felt alone or too ashamed to ask for help? |
If you can answer "yes" to some of these questions, you may find help in S-Anon .
Tuesday 15 March 2011
starting out each day with trust
I found this article on partners of sex addicts at the New York Times today... even when the stories of the partners seem more severe or different to mine I still find it helpful to read as much as I can. I'm constantly googling for information and support. Apparently that makes me a bit of a cliche, as it's one of the more common reactions of partners dealing with an addict. To be honest I don't see it as a negative thing. If it turned into obsession then, yes, then it's becoming borderline neuroticism, but I am finding so much comfort in knowing that my reactions are normal... that other people that this happens to feel the same way.
There is so much to say about this whole situation that it would be easy to write a novel sized post about it all, but it's going to have to be in bits. Whatever is relevant to each day.
Today isn't too bad. I didn't have bad dreams last night. My partner was having what I guess you could call a psychological relapse last week. He wasn't acting out any of his bottom line behaviours (amazing how in just a few months I seem to be fluent in 12 step language!), but warning lights were going off everywhere for me in his behaviour and mood... he started getting angry (which is really unlike him) and irritable every time he was near the laptop or playing on his phone, even though what he was using them for was 'everyday' stuff... but the act of being increasingly dependent on electrical things seemed to be having a weird effect on him and I was so scared that a relapse was on its way (which probably didn't help). He caught himself before it got too bad and spoke to friends from 12 step, had a good therapy session so it could have been worse... anyway, the point of that long sentence was to say that whilst all that was happening I was having horrible dreams every night. The kind where you wake up in the morning feeling like you've had a massive fight, even though nothing happened.
The odd thing is that even whilst all this stuff is going on, we are having what in all other respects could be termed a really healthy relationship. We talk about stuff, are completely open about all aspects of dealing with his addiction recovery, about our fears our thoughts... we support each other, have fun, laugh, are physically affectionate, feel as in love as ever... yet suddenly life flips over to this surreal talking about things that seem so alien to our life and suddenly there is this ugliness in the form of being reminded that the man I love used to wait for me to leave the house so he could binge on porn and would masturbate rather than have sex with me. Even though it isn't him any more, I didn't believe that it was him back when he was doing it... so it's really difficult learning to trust and not be on hyperalert all the time. There is no point... if he relapses then it will happen no matter what I do, so all I can do is trust, but it is really REALLY hard. I'm scared to leave him to go the shower, scared of his phone, finding it impossible to concentrate fully on anything when I'm out because I'm always partly wondering about how he's coping, feeling sick any time some reminder of his life before me when his sex addiction was really out of control rears its head in the form of some message on facebook or text or the kind of girls his mates invite to their parties... even though I shouldn't care in the slightest what happened before me, but there is always the thought of... well, now that I know... I'm scared that that kind of life will tempt him again... it's all too soon and too shocking to fully trust what is real and what isn't... and there is the thought that I don't want to be around the ugliness and lies and the total terror lying in a little room inside my brain that, just as I persuaded myself that he was telling me the truth about his porn use and compulsive masturbation back when he was in the cycle of addiction and lies... what if I'm deluding myself now that he isn't objectifying women any more and won't slip back into it in a few years time.
I feel guilty for thinking that because he is actually out of all the men I've met, one of the strongest and a genuinely caring lovely guy. He isn't one of those bastards... he just dealt with his pain and confusion in a way that is really unfortunate for me because it was sexualised anger, so of course it affected me... but at no point in his addiction did he stop loving me or showing me that he loved me, and it was precisely because our relationship was otherwise so good that suddenly it didn't make any sense to him to be masturbating all the time and wanting to watch porn when he knew that he fancied me... and suddenly he realised that maybe it wasn't just something all guys did, that he didn't want to threaten our relationship or keep anything from me and that he had obviously had a problem. I'm nothing but proud of him for realising that and am constantly amazed at his strength now in therapy and the way he has thrown himself into it. His childhood involves a lot of pain, his mum is not helping the situation right now at all (the source of a lot of pain) but is also just a person caught in her own pain so I would rather try to understand than get angry... but as the partner it is all just so much to cope with on a daily basis with not really anyone to talk to. I'm looking for support groups at the moment. Will let you know how it goes.
At the moment every morning I give my partner a hug and tell him that I trust him, so that every day starts out with trust, one day at a time, and what we do with it is up to us. I would rather be a trusting person than a cynical one, so I'm making the decision to keep hold of that. I am happier when I choose to believe in people's good sides, and constantly subjecting my partner to my pain and uphill battle with trust isn't really going to help either of us in the long term, so...
I'm reading a book by the Dalai Lama on the Art Of Happiness. As much as any specific book on addiction, I think it has possibly been the most helpful. The art of forgiveness and trust is really hard, I guess the only way is one day at a time.
There is so much to say about this whole situation that it would be easy to write a novel sized post about it all, but it's going to have to be in bits. Whatever is relevant to each day.
Today isn't too bad. I didn't have bad dreams last night. My partner was having what I guess you could call a psychological relapse last week. He wasn't acting out any of his bottom line behaviours (amazing how in just a few months I seem to be fluent in 12 step language!), but warning lights were going off everywhere for me in his behaviour and mood... he started getting angry (which is really unlike him) and irritable every time he was near the laptop or playing on his phone, even though what he was using them for was 'everyday' stuff... but the act of being increasingly dependent on electrical things seemed to be having a weird effect on him and I was so scared that a relapse was on its way (which probably didn't help). He caught himself before it got too bad and spoke to friends from 12 step, had a good therapy session so it could have been worse... anyway, the point of that long sentence was to say that whilst all that was happening I was having horrible dreams every night. The kind where you wake up in the morning feeling like you've had a massive fight, even though nothing happened.
The odd thing is that even whilst all this stuff is going on, we are having what in all other respects could be termed a really healthy relationship. We talk about stuff, are completely open about all aspects of dealing with his addiction recovery, about our fears our thoughts... we support each other, have fun, laugh, are physically affectionate, feel as in love as ever... yet suddenly life flips over to this surreal talking about things that seem so alien to our life and suddenly there is this ugliness in the form of being reminded that the man I love used to wait for me to leave the house so he could binge on porn and would masturbate rather than have sex with me. Even though it isn't him any more, I didn't believe that it was him back when he was doing it... so it's really difficult learning to trust and not be on hyperalert all the time. There is no point... if he relapses then it will happen no matter what I do, so all I can do is trust, but it is really REALLY hard. I'm scared to leave him to go the shower, scared of his phone, finding it impossible to concentrate fully on anything when I'm out because I'm always partly wondering about how he's coping, feeling sick any time some reminder of his life before me when his sex addiction was really out of control rears its head in the form of some message on facebook or text or the kind of girls his mates invite to their parties... even though I shouldn't care in the slightest what happened before me, but there is always the thought of... well, now that I know... I'm scared that that kind of life will tempt him again... it's all too soon and too shocking to fully trust what is real and what isn't... and there is the thought that I don't want to be around the ugliness and lies and the total terror lying in a little room inside my brain that, just as I persuaded myself that he was telling me the truth about his porn use and compulsive masturbation back when he was in the cycle of addiction and lies... what if I'm deluding myself now that he isn't objectifying women any more and won't slip back into it in a few years time.
I feel guilty for thinking that because he is actually out of all the men I've met, one of the strongest and a genuinely caring lovely guy. He isn't one of those bastards... he just dealt with his pain and confusion in a way that is really unfortunate for me because it was sexualised anger, so of course it affected me... but at no point in his addiction did he stop loving me or showing me that he loved me, and it was precisely because our relationship was otherwise so good that suddenly it didn't make any sense to him to be masturbating all the time and wanting to watch porn when he knew that he fancied me... and suddenly he realised that maybe it wasn't just something all guys did, that he didn't want to threaten our relationship or keep anything from me and that he had obviously had a problem. I'm nothing but proud of him for realising that and am constantly amazed at his strength now in therapy and the way he has thrown himself into it. His childhood involves a lot of pain, his mum is not helping the situation right now at all (the source of a lot of pain) but is also just a person caught in her own pain so I would rather try to understand than get angry... but as the partner it is all just so much to cope with on a daily basis with not really anyone to talk to. I'm looking for support groups at the moment. Will let you know how it goes.
At the moment every morning I give my partner a hug and tell him that I trust him, so that every day starts out with trust, one day at a time, and what we do with it is up to us. I would rather be a trusting person than a cynical one, so I'm making the decision to keep hold of that. I am happier when I choose to believe in people's good sides, and constantly subjecting my partner to my pain and uphill battle with trust isn't really going to help either of us in the long term, so...
I'm reading a book by the Dalai Lama on the Art Of Happiness. As much as any specific book on addiction, I think it has possibly been the most helpful. The art of forgiveness and trust is really hard, I guess the only way is one day at a time.
Saturday 12 March 2011
The beginning
Hi. I'm Julia and I am a recovering co-addict to my boyfriend's sex addiction. That is what they call us: co-addicts. I hated that term when I first heard it. I wanted to yell, "What are you talking about? I'm not the addict here. I'm not the one addicted to using sexual acting out as self-medication for childhood trauma. Are you blaming me?!?"
Of course it's got nothing to do with blame. It's just a term. Call us whatever you like, we are just partners trying to make sense of the whole sex addiction thing, wanting to heal our relationship, ourselves, and wondering if anyone else understands what we are going through.
My story may not be the same as yours, but if you are reading this and are the partner of a sex addict too, then I want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know how you feel... but we can be ok again. It's just going to take some time and help.
In December my gorgeous loving boyfriend realised that he was battling with a long-standing internet porn addiction and compulsive masturbation addiction and told me. He was relieved that his source of guilt, shame and confusion now had a name and was something he could get help for. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to lie to me any more, that he could finally have power over his darkest secret. From that day he has been totally committed to his recovery, starting treatment with a therapist specialising in sex addiction and entering a 12 step program. His life has completely changed and despite the process of recovery being incredibly challenging and scary, he is feeling positive about both us and his own future.
I am the girlfriend. My story is not quite the same. On that day my world changed forever as well... and I am recovering now too. I didn't feel the same relief as him though. I felt shock, confusion, anger, overwhelming pain, grief, and have had to suddenly enter into a process of recovery that I never anticipated. The future does look bright for us, we love each other and are lucky in that we are both pretty good at communicating within our relationship, so both believe that we can get through it, but at times in the last 3 months I have felt like I am going crazy and have searched for any information, advice or support I can get. I'm starting this blog because one thing I have been hoping to find is someone else's story... someone else that is going through the same thing I am. Not just the moments of venting when the pain becomes overwheming, but the everyday coping and healing process. And apparently it helps to write stuff down.
So this is my story.
I should also let you know that my name is not Julia. Of course it's not. I am not using my real name because my partner deserves privacy to recover from his addiction. Maybe one day he'll want to write a book about it or whatever, but in the meantime it is his story to share, not mine. He doesn't tell anyone about his addiction without talking to me first, because it involves the most intimate parts of both our lives. So no names here. This is the partner's story. The girlfriend. Just call me 'Julia' :)
Oh yeah, and I will post links to the sites, articles and anything that helps me along the way so that you can find them too. One day at a time. We will be ok. xx
Of course it's got nothing to do with blame. It's just a term. Call us whatever you like, we are just partners trying to make sense of the whole sex addiction thing, wanting to heal our relationship, ourselves, and wondering if anyone else understands what we are going through.
My story may not be the same as yours, but if you are reading this and are the partner of a sex addict too, then I want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know how you feel... but we can be ok again. It's just going to take some time and help.
In December my gorgeous loving boyfriend realised that he was battling with a long-standing internet porn addiction and compulsive masturbation addiction and told me. He was relieved that his source of guilt, shame and confusion now had a name and was something he could get help for. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to lie to me any more, that he could finally have power over his darkest secret. From that day he has been totally committed to his recovery, starting treatment with a therapist specialising in sex addiction and entering a 12 step program. His life has completely changed and despite the process of recovery being incredibly challenging and scary, he is feeling positive about both us and his own future.
I am the girlfriend. My story is not quite the same. On that day my world changed forever as well... and I am recovering now too. I didn't feel the same relief as him though. I felt shock, confusion, anger, overwhelming pain, grief, and have had to suddenly enter into a process of recovery that I never anticipated. The future does look bright for us, we love each other and are lucky in that we are both pretty good at communicating within our relationship, so both believe that we can get through it, but at times in the last 3 months I have felt like I am going crazy and have searched for any information, advice or support I can get. I'm starting this blog because one thing I have been hoping to find is someone else's story... someone else that is going through the same thing I am. Not just the moments of venting when the pain becomes overwheming, but the everyday coping and healing process. And apparently it helps to write stuff down.
So this is my story.
I should also let you know that my name is not Julia. Of course it's not. I am not using my real name because my partner deserves privacy to recover from his addiction. Maybe one day he'll want to write a book about it or whatever, but in the meantime it is his story to share, not mine. He doesn't tell anyone about his addiction without talking to me first, because it involves the most intimate parts of both our lives. So no names here. This is the partner's story. The girlfriend. Just call me 'Julia' :)
Oh yeah, and I will post links to the sites, articles and anything that helps me along the way so that you can find them too. One day at a time. We will be ok. xx
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