is the term co-addict really helpful?

I've been feeling increasingly uncomfortable all week with the way articles talk about co-addiction and how unhelpful it has felt in aiding recovery. I understand that in order to not have got up and walked away from the relationship the moment I knew there was a problem that I must have certain character traits present, but I really feel that a lot of literature out there seems to confuse co-dependency and being the unwitting partner of a porn addict. Admittedly porn addiction is also clearly different to other levels of sex addiction, but anyway that's stuff for another post...

Anyway, it's been really annoying me... I feel like articles are saying to me that I have just as big a problem, I caused this problem for myself, and betrayal was inevitable for me because of my past. Bollocks! I don't believe this to be the case. My self-esteem has definitely been severely damaged by his addiction, but it wasn't at that level to begin with. I was in a very good place in my life and my head when we got together. He was obviously still an addict at that stage but was in one of the most positive mental places he had ever been in his life when we met. We were both single, had been single for a while, were happy, healthy and very pragmatic and realistic about our relationship. We were careful not to rush even though we were in love... were mindful of protecting the relationship long term. When his porn addiction resurfaced 6 months into the relationship it grew over time, made worse by extreme external stressors until it was spiraling out of control. At its worst points I was definitely in a place of trying to control my environment to minimise the damage and save our relationship, but I feel that it was more a response to trauma and self-protection than a syndrome of co-dependency and that damaging term co-addict.


The site that I have found the most supportive, insightful and helpful in the covering almost every aspect of porn addiction and recovery for both my partner and I is www.pornaddicthubby.com
I read over the articles on there often when I'm feeling down or worried about things and it has really helped. Reading all this stuff that was telling me that I was just as sick as he was just made me feel more depressed, it didn't feel right. I kept wondering if those articles were written by men, or perhaps incredibly bitter women because they seemed to be more damaging than helpful in terms of effecting a positive recovery. Yes, I do obviously need to look at myself and my own past just as much as he does, because apart from anything else then we will be on equal footing psychologically long-term... but right now what I need is some support, not someone telling me it was my fault.

I would say that this is just how I feel about my own situation. If this was 10 years ago I would probably say the term co-addict would have been more applicable when I was stumbling through life in a fog of pain from my dysfunctional teenage years, entering into a few pretty unhealthy relationships. I think a lot of us could probably relate to that! But then I worked on myself, really thought about that stuff, got happy with my own company and learned to really like myself and treat myself with respect. The 'me' of 10 years ago is most definitely not the 'me' of now. And the things I loved about my partner when I got together with him was that he really did treat me with respect, I didn't have to be anyone other than who I was. I never got jealous or felt insecure because he made it very clear that I had nothing to worry about. Once the porn addiction resurfaced, all my old insecurities and traumatic coping mechanisms came with it. Then every girl who came across as 'not that safe' (we women know who they are!) sent me into a silent panic, everything felt unstable and confusing, but I coud tell it also felt confusing to him because he genuinely loved me and was looking towards the future and couldn't understand that his old coping mechanism for stress of turning to porn and masturbation was taking him backwards rather than forwards. Both of us were unknowingly reacting to the trauma that he was inflicting on himself. And now we are both healing from it.



One quote I would like to share from a fantastic article which pretty much sums up my feeling on the subject is this:

 Calling the partner of a sex addict 
a “co-addict” is not unlike blaming a rape victim for her assault or a battered woman for her beating. It is blaming the victim, rather than looking 
for ways to support someone who has experienced the unthinkable.

checklist for me to read over

I'm trying to take more responsibility for my own recovery. I get scared by the thought of concentrating on oneself to the point of neglecting the relationship though. When my partner says to me that I may notice a change in him this week because his therapist told him to stop worrying about everyone else and concentrate more on himself... whilst I completely agree with the therapist I'm a bit scared of the way that he may interpret that. I feel scared of being hurt any more by this situation with porn addiction and am reminded of feeling neglected whilst he was in the middle of it. There was a phase where he basically did whatever he wanted and I could fit into it or not, my choice. That wasn't healthy and we talked about it and got to a good level of balance and compromise within the relationship. I'm scared of losing that balance. I guess we'll see what happens. The problem is that I'm scared a lot at the moment and need to trust more. Unfortunately my ability to trust right now is pretty injured and I kind of feel like it is too early and would be naieve of me to trust without seeing proof in actions. I'm looking forward to regaining a life with inate trust though. This way isn't nearly as nice, I don't like it. I prefer being that optimistic, trusting person. Every time I feel like I'm naieve for trusting and being proved wrong it adds up to one big blow to my self-esteem. Frankly I feel like a good dollop of attention right now. I feel like not filling in the gaps of communication, not being the one to bring up what is healthy for the relationship. He was very much in that phase in the first month or so of recovery... at the moment he is dealing with both withdrawal and feeling a lot emotions for the first time really as an adult so I need to cut him some slack. It's hard when you've already been hurt though. I don't rely on him for my happiness, but not worrying about him all the time is also going to take some responsibility from him letting me know that he's ok, just like he needs me to let him know that I am ok. I'm not saying that he's not doing this by the way... am just thinking stream of consciousness stuff. I felt the need for some really spontaneous attention emotionally rather than physically from him and I'm not sure if that's healthy or not. Hmm. Not disproportionate attention... just all in balance. Hmm, am definitely still in recovery. I don't think I should be craving attention because in all honesty he gives me a lot of it. It is something about feeling like the ground isn't quite stable underneath us yet and I'm looking for reassurance that it is both of us taking care of keeping it steady both together and apart. He is. I know that. I don't know why I'm scared. But I am. Ah the craziness that goes with this co addict thing. My brain goes into a whirl!

Part of the Dalai Lama book I'm reading talks about being completely 'in the moment' and not worrying about the future or the past because that is where unhappiness lies. It is true that if I just think about this exact moment, everything is actually really good. Am going to try to do that and stop worrying about what I can't control.
Grant me the serenity to accept the things I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can,
And the wisdom to know the difference.


This article has a great checklist for unhealthy vs healthy relationship habits in the healing process. Am going to keep this and look over it from time to time :)

This next bit is taken from an article on www.pornaddicthubby.com on feeling fear in relationships. Incredibly wise words. They are helping...

People often express great excitement at the prospect of creating a healthy, alive, loving
intimate relationship. With tremendous enthusiasm and sincerity they proclaim, ''I am
willing to do ANYTHING it takes to have a great relationship!'' They speak fondly of their
visions of close, happy, loving moments with that one special partner, sharing all aspects
of themselves and their lives with their true soul mate. And then they embark on that
most intimate of journeys, the journey of love, which always starts within ourselves.

When we seek genuine intimate connection with another, sooner or later we come
face-to-face with who we really are. We can hide from ourselves, our friends, our families
and even our therapists and spiritual teachers, but ultimately we cannot hide from the One
that we share intimate space with. This is a great blessing (which often feels like a curse!)
because it helps us to grow in ways we would never choose to do on our own. All of us have
parts that would rather stay in their cocoons and hide. So when the magic of love penetrates
the soft underbelly beneath our defenses, we may feel incredibly alive, but also vulnerable
and exposed in ways we have not let ourselves feel for a very long time. This can feel
exhilarating, yet also terrifying.

These experiences of feeling scared or even terrified are not what our egos had in mind when we set out to experience a great loving 
relationship. These are the moments when we remember that phrase we read in some book or heard at that workshop: all of life 
comes down to a choice between fear and love. Yet we may feel lost and confused. When I'm scared like this, what IS the choice for 
love? Self-protection can seem like a pretty loving choice at these times.

If we have not learned how to create a safe, sacred space to express and work through these feelings, fear wins out, and we automatically don our masks of fear. Instead of dealing directly with our fears, we act them out indirectly. We shut down like a turtle pulling in its head. We put on several layers of new armor. If we're single, suddenly we are too busy to date; if we're in a relationship, we're too busy for our partner. After months of flexible schedules, we now have to work overtime four days a week. Or we find ourselves getting angry, annoyed, frustrated with the slightest inconvenience. Or we erupt in a rage, surprised at the strength of our feelings. Or we find ourselves turning to old ways of numbing, be it food, chemicals, a new lover, computers, work or any other way which keeps us out of touch with what is really going on in our hearts and guts. The masks of fear become so transparent that we can also quickly slip into blame. I did say I would do ANYTHING to make this work but that certainly didn't mean hanging out in fear, insecurity, sadness, anger or despair. That wasn't part of the deal at all. My life is about bliss, love, expansive consciousness and pure light pouring out of my heart. YOU must be bringing this energy into my life!

And when our masks of fear appear when we are in relationship, our partner is often angry or confused. Don't you love me anymore? What about our dreams? What about last week? Why can't I reach you anymore? And then out of self-protection, THEIR masks of fear will emerge, creating a distant relationship where true connection is impossible.These are the moments that make or break a relationship. If we are unable or unwilling to take off our masks and tell ourselves and our partners what is really going on, our relationship will stagnate or end. We can blame it all on our partners' shortcoming and perhaps even feel sorry for them and all of their problems. We can smugly walk away and remind ourselves that there really aren't many people as together as we are, and perhaps loneliness is the price we must pay for being so exceptional.


If, however, we choose love instead of fear,responsibility over victimhood, and humility and truth over ego and distortion, a wonderful opportunity for healing ourselves as well as our relationship can occur. When we truly feel safe enough to allow our most vulnerable feelings to be shared, miracles can happen. Walls can come tumbling down and years of pain can be released.
What masks of fear are you wearing today, that are keeping you more distant and less connected to those in your life? Are you choosing 
fear or love with yourself and with your partner? By creating and attracting into your life enough resources to help you feel safe, you can start to take those masks off. Learn to ask for what you need, and how you need it. Trust your own intuition and connection to your Higher Power to decide if a person or situation or group is capable of providing the safety you need.

In consciously choosing love over our personal masks of fear, we truly honor the deepest meaning of our intimate connections and fulfill their highest potential. By willingly traversing the murky, shadowy aspects of our personal unfinished business, we invite our partner to do the same and ultimately allow a greater vision of love, intimacy and harmony to manifest in our lives and in the world.