12 steps

I am looking for 12 step meetings in my city to join. Emails sent to COSA and S-Anon and now I'm waiting to hear back about where and when the meetings are. I really feel the need to be in some sort of support group for partners. In the last few days particularly I've been getting really annoyed with myself that I'm slipping into really unhealthy old habits and neuroses where my bf's recovery is concerned. It's not going to help him if I'm a nervous wreck... it's definitely not going to help me or my future kids if I'm not centred and confident and emotionally self-sufficient. The shame I've felt with this whole thing has meant that I haven't really been talking to friends at all, let alone about this... I haven't been calling them as much, when I'm away for work I've been isolating myself from the group because I was so constantly worried about what was going on with my bf at home.  Every time it would seem like things were on a healthy track something would happen with him or his mother that would send me back into a terrified tailspin.
It stops here. I have to take charge of my own life and recovery. He is doing really really well in his therapy and meetings. If I don't look after myself it's kind of putting him through the wringer as well. How can he recover if he is constantly worrying about me? That kind of makes me laugh. That we could care too much. And it also makes me worried about the concept of concentrating on ourselves for a bit. To me it is all about balance. Concentrating on ourselves and our own individual happiness, to me, should also include a balanced care of the relationship. Not ignoring the other's needs... not putting them through the same kind of emotional neglect that we were subjected to as children whilst our parents concentrated on their needs above ours... I'm really into the concept of balance in life as the answer to lasting happiness and peace. Maybe it's because I'm Libran??

Anyway, I'm hoping to get into a 12 step program like S-Anon from next week. I went to a SLAA meeting last week when I found my bf's dream diary next to the bed and on the first page was a sexual dream about a girl that I've actually felt envious of in the past. Now, I have as many sexy dreams about random unexpected people as anyone and am completely aware that it actually doesn't mean anything... but in the context of all that we've been going through it felt like the last straw for me for that day and I headed off on the train in search of any support group I could find. They were incredibly nice at the meeting and it did help, but I do feel that it's not really the right group for me personally. I really wanted to be somewhere for partners. So that's what I'm looking for.

On the website for S-Anon there is this checklist to see if it might be suitable for you. Reading it rang a lot of bells.

I answered yes to every question except for questions 4 & 18.... alas a lot of the yes's were in response to old situations,  although in retrospect even 18 might actually be a yes when I remembered that I was in a very scary situation when I was 17 where a guy pressured me into having sex with him and I felt that it was bordering on date rape but never pressed any charges or took it any further. The thing is that I spent so many years really working through those old situations and getting my life and head into a really healthy state... my overwhelming feeling at the moment is frustration that I could have ended up putting myself through any more pain where this sort of stuff is concerned... I guess the only comforting thing here is that my partner took responsibility for himself very soon after his addiction resurfaced within our relationship and unlike my past situations, we are both really concentrating on structuring our lives to be as healthy as possible. I guess because we both have such similar personal histories we will probably always be susceptible to falling back into our old fears and negative coping mechanisms... I'm choosing today to feel proud of us both for taking steps to ensure that it won't happen, that we can have the healthiest relationship possible with ourselves and each other, and that the cycle of unhealthiness will stop with us. I am confident we can do it. He is a strong person, so am I, and we are both taking it really seriously. One day at a time. But I need some help, I don't think I can do it on my own. I am annoying myself by not being able to stop the fear and the bad habits, when he is doing so well. It is explained really well in the Porn Paradox ...

anyway, one day at a time. I'm feeling pretty good. Am off to meet up with a friend now. Time to be kind to myself. Big hugs to you, whoever you are reading this. xx

"Reprinted with permission of S-Anon International Family Groups, Inc., Nashville, TN.  Compliance with S-Anon International Family Groups, Inc.'s copyrights and trademarks is required."

The S-Anon Checklist

1.	Have you felt hurt or embarrassed by someone’s sexual conduct?
2.	Have you secretly searched for clues about someone’s sexual behavior?
3.	Have you lied about or covered up another person’s sexual conduct?
4.	Have you had money problems because of someone’s sexual behavior?
5.	Have you felt betrayed or abandoned by someone you loved and trusted?
6.	Are you afraid to upset the sexaholic for fear that he or she will leave you?
7.	Have you tried to control somebody’s sexual thoughts or behavior by doing things like throwing away pornography, dressing suggestively, or being sexual with them in order to keep them from being sexual with others?
8.	Have you used sex to try to keep peace in a relationship?
9.	Have you tried to convince yourself that someone else’s sexual thoughts and behavior shouldn’t bother you?
10.	Have you felt that sex plays an all-consuming role in your relationship?
11.	Have you doubted your attractiveness, your emotions, and your sanity?
12.	Have you felt responsible for the sexual behavior of another person?
13.	Have you felt angry and/or stupid for not knowing about someone’s sexual acting out behavior?
14.	Have you engaged in uncomfortable, unwanted, or physically dangerous sexual behavior?
15.	Have you ever thought about or attempted suicide because of someone’s sexual behavior?
16.	Has your preoccupation with someone’s sexual thoughts and behavior affected your relationships with your children, your co-workers, and/or other friends or family members?
17.	Have you neglected your physical and/or emotional health while in a relationship?
18.	Have you helped someone get out of jail or other legal trouble, or feared legal action as a result of his or her sexual behavior?
19.	Have you blamed other people, such as friends or sexual partners, society in general, his/her job, religion, or birth family for someone’s sexual behavior?
20.	Have you felt confused about what is true when talking with someone about his or her sexual thoughts or behavior?
21.	Have you avoided painful emotions by using drugs, alcohol, or food or by being too busy?
22.	Have you ever felt that someone was inappropriately attracted to you or your children?
23.	Have you felt alone or too ashamed to ask for help?

 If you can answer "yes" to some of these questions, you may find help in S-Anon.