starting out each day with trust

I found this article on partners of sex addicts at the New York Times today... even when the stories of the partners seem more severe or different to mine I still find it helpful to read as much as I can. I'm constantly googling for information and support. Apparently that makes me a bit of a cliche, as it's one of the more common reactions of partners dealing with an addict. To be honest I don't see it as a negative thing. If it turned into obsession then, yes, then it's becoming borderline neuroticism, but I am finding so much comfort in knowing that my reactions are normal... that other people that this happens to feel the same way.

There is so much to say about this whole situation that it would be easy to write a novel sized post about it all, but it's going to have to be in bits. Whatever is relevant to each day.

Today isn't too bad. I didn't have bad dreams last night. My partner was having what I guess you could call a psychological relapse last week. He wasn't acting out any of his bottom line behaviours (amazing how in just a few months I seem to be fluent in 12 step language!), but warning lights were going off everywhere for me in his behaviour and mood... he started getting angry (which is really unlike him) and irritable every time he was near the laptop or playing on his phone, even though what he was using them for was 'everyday' stuff... but the act of being increasingly dependent on electrical things seemed to be having a weird effect on him and I was so scared that a relapse was on its way (which probably didn't help). He caught himself before it got too bad and spoke to friends from 12 step, had a good therapy session so it could have been worse... anyway, the point of that long sentence was to say that whilst all that was happening I was having horrible dreams every night. The kind where you wake up in the morning feeling like you've had a massive fight, even though nothing happened.

The odd thing is that even whilst all this stuff is going on, we are having what in all other respects could be termed a really healthy relationship. We talk about stuff, are completely open about all aspects of dealing with his addiction recovery, about our fears our thoughts... we support each other, have fun, laugh, are physically affectionate, feel as in love as ever... yet suddenly life flips over to this surreal talking about things that seem so alien to our life and suddenly there is this ugliness in the form of being reminded that the man I love used to wait for me to leave the house so he could binge on porn and would masturbate rather than have sex with me. Even though it isn't him any more, I didn't believe that it was him back when he was doing it... so it's really difficult learning to trust and not be on hyperalert all the time. There is no point... if he relapses then it will happen no matter what I do, so all I can do is trust, but it is really REALLY hard. I'm scared to leave him to go the shower, scared of his phone, finding it impossible to concentrate fully on anything when I'm out because I'm always partly wondering about how he's coping, feeling sick any time some reminder of his life before me when his sex addiction was really out of control rears its head in the form of some message on facebook or text or the kind of girls his mates invite to their parties... even though I shouldn't care in the slightest what happened before me, but there is always the thought of... well, now that I know... I'm scared that that kind of life will tempt him again... it's all too soon and too shocking to fully trust what is real and what isn't... and there is the thought that I don't want to be around the ugliness and lies and the total terror lying in a little room inside my brain that, just as I persuaded myself that he was telling me the truth about his porn use and compulsive masturbation back when he was in the cycle of addiction and lies... what if I'm deluding myself now that he isn't objectifying women any more and won't slip back into it in a few years time.

I feel guilty for thinking that because he is actually out of all the men I've met, one of the strongest and a genuinely caring lovely guy. He isn't one of those bastards... he just dealt with his pain and confusion in a way that is really unfortunate for me because it was sexualised anger, so of course it affected me... but at no point in his addiction did he stop loving me or showing me that he loved me, and it was precisely because our relationship was otherwise so good that suddenly it didn't make any sense to him to be masturbating all the time and wanting to watch porn when he knew that he fancied me... and suddenly he realised that maybe it wasn't just something all guys did, that he didn't want to threaten our relationship or keep anything from me and that he had obviously had a problem. I'm nothing but proud of him for realising that and am constantly amazed at his strength now in therapy and the way he has thrown himself into it. His childhood involves a lot of pain, his mum is not helping the situation right now at all (the source of a lot of pain) but is also just a person caught in her own pain so I would rather try to understand than get angry... but as the partner it is all just so much to cope with on a daily basis with not really anyone to talk to. I'm looking for support groups at the moment. Will let you know how it goes.
At the moment every morning I give my partner a hug and tell him that I trust him, so that every day starts out with trust, one day at a time, and what we do with it is up to us. I would rather be a trusting person than a cynical one, so I'm making the decision to keep hold of that. I am happier when I choose to believe in people's good sides, and constantly subjecting my partner to my pain and uphill battle with trust isn't really going to help either of us in the long term, so...

I'm reading a book by the Dalai Lama on the Art Of Happiness. As much as any specific book on addiction, I think it has possibly been the most helpful. The art of forgiveness and trust is really hard, I guess the only way is one day at a time.