ups and downs

life is most definitely on a an emotional rollercoaster for me right now. Actually for both of us...

My bf is going through withdrawal right now. He thought he'd been through it, but turns out that was only the beginning. NOW the real emotional rollercoaster is starting. Because he is finally having to fully experience the emotions that come up without numbing them by acting out, life is really challenging for him. The scary thing for me is watching him experience these lows with no safety net. He seems to think that he is so strong that he can just white-knuckle his way through all the bad times with nothing to make him feel better. When he starts feeling terrible he goes further into it, rather than calling someone from the fellowship or using any healthy methods to make him feel better, it's almost like he likes the pain. That he is punishing himself. Apparently this is what he would always do when he was little as well. The problem for me is that I see the man I love vanishing into the distance in these times. His eyes get so distant and I can see these warning lights flashing that if he doesn't catch it then, the downward spiral starts until he loses his sobriety in one way or another. It is such a fine line between not trying to fix it for him by suggesting stuff, and standing back and having it ultimately affect me anyway. 

Yesterday he was triggered by having to throw away a bunch of flowers that he had bought for his mum, that had sat on the top shelf in our living room slowly dying. He was hurt by looking at them, went and threw them out, then continued with his work in that room feeling worse and worse and not doing anything about it until he started fantasising about having sex with another girl, any other girl. He stopped the fantasy almost immediately, so his brain in withdrawal started searching for ways to act out. He couldn't masturbate, he couldn't use porn, he wasn't going to cheat on his girlfriend, so obviously the only other option would be to leave, to destroy it, and go have sex with whoever he likes. This thought was completely freaking him out, it wasn't something he had ever thought about before... it was, his therapist and support have confirmed since, an addictive trance prompted by withdrawal... 

Unfortunately I walked into the room whilst he was in the middle of those thoughts and asked if he was ok. He thought that honesty was better than lying and told me everything he was thinking. It felt like my world was falling apart. The only thing I've been totally sure of in our whole relationship was that he was totally in love with me and that our emotional bond was never in question. Everything he was saying, all the language he was using was like looking and listening to a different person. He said later he felt no emotion at all whilst it was happening... all he wanted was to feed his addiction. After about 20 minutes he came out of it and started employing his CBT techiques to make sense of what he had been feeling. He said that when he played his fantasies through to the end, the person he always ends up with is me. That he doesn't understand why his brain was suddenly making him question the reality of his life and relationship... and he felt like shit for leaving me in a dissolved heap of disbelief and grief in the corner. He called people in his fellowship and talked it all through with them, made sense of what had happened, we canceled the dinner we were going to be going to and he went to a meeting... and I went to my first S-Anon meeting. He came and met me for dinner afterwards and is still feeling completely freaked out by both what his brain on withdrawal tried to do to him and what it did to me. 

I feel like a battered wreck. 

Last night was positive and we made some boundaries for ourselves.

• no more reading full-on literature about addiction or his issues with his parents in bed or just before sleep. We need to give ourselves a break and have our own bonding time. 
• I said that what I need is for him to create an Escape Plan/Check List for withdrawal and cravings. Keep it in his wallet, on his phone, whatever... but the moment he hits a stressful situation, whether or not he thinks it's affecting him... I asked if he could follow the list that he makes for himself ie: call his sponsor, contact the fellowship, remove himself immediately from the situation/location, get outside, go for a walk, listen to some music that relaxes you, call a friend that you feel safe with, do something nice for yourself... 

I know that some of those things sound stupid, but it's not the list. I don't know what his list is, but he is going to make it for himself. It was hard to know whether it was ok for me to ask that, because I don't want to try to fix him any more, or take on the responsibility of his addiction... but yesterday hurt me so much, his behaviour was hurting me so much, that I felt it was ok to ask for what I need from the relationship.

It wasn't until we were walking home last night that he realised that the trigger had been throwing out the flowers. That he had completely blocked out that he even did it until that moment. 

We slept well last night, although I woke up in the middle of the night because he was acting out in his sleep again. It's always really violent self-abuse in the form of masturbation and only for a few seconds in his sleep, and he never remembers it. My mind is so hyper-alert still to all those things that I wake up instantly... although now I'm able to see it as a symptom of withdrawal and a warning sign. He only ever does it when he is unhappy or stressed. What a strange thing the brain is...

Today though, he was still in a bad way. He had his therapy this morning and was feeling so down from going through all the childhood stuff that he came back and just descended into a totally isolated 'I'm going to sit here and make the pain worse, be consumed by it' mode. I feel like I'm walking a tightrope of helping or not helping... eventually I forced him to come outside for a walk because I just couldn't handle another day like yesterday, and once he was outside he felt better, then when we got home he felt worse again... it's all such a massive rollercoaster. I don't feel like he has fully taken on the condition that I asked for about the checklist/Escape Plan. He described it as a kind of adult tantrum where he decides to do nothing and make the pain worse. The problem is that it is really really hard not be hurt by and I can't take responsibility for his situation or recovery by making him do things to feel better. He has to come to that point himself. 

I feel well and truly in the middle of Step One right now. Total powerlessness over the situation. A small part of me wants to go away somewhere whilst he is in this phase and let him work himself out, but I don't have anywhere to go right now. None of my friends know what is going on, and I don't have any money right now to take myself off on holiday to a friend for a week or anything. He is going to another meeting tonight. I guess we'll see. I am trying to work out what the best thing is for me right now. I have put a hold on looking for a new place for at least a few days... I feel like ignoring what happened and moving forward like normal wouldn't be healthy. I have to wait and see. The man I love is hurting right now, but that doesn't mean he might not hurt me. Moving won't fix it, even if it will dramatically reduce the stress around us. I need to just sit back and watch where the wind blows this week I think...

And after all that, the S-Anon meeting was incredibly helpful. I recommend it to anyone affected by someone else's sexual behaviour. The link is on the side of this page. 

We've been moving forward one day at a time. Today I feel it is minute by minute.