The beginning

Hi. I'm Julia and I am a recovering co-addict to my boyfriend's sex addiction. That is what they call us: co-addicts. I hated that term when I first heard it. I wanted to yell, "What are you talking about? I'm not the addict here. I'm not the one addicted to using sexual acting out as self-medication for childhood trauma. Are you blaming me?!?"


Of course it's got nothing to do with blame. It's just a term. Call us whatever you like, we are just partners trying to make sense of the whole sex addiction thing, wanting to heal our relationship, ourselves, and wondering if anyone else understands what we are going through.

My story may not be the same as yours, but if you are reading this and are the partner of a sex addict too, then I want to say that I'm so sorry you are going through this right now. I know how you feel... but we can be ok again. It's just going to take some time and help.

In December my gorgeous loving boyfriend realised that he was battling with a long-standing internet porn addiction and compulsive masturbation addiction and told me. He was relieved that his source of guilt, shame and confusion now had a name and was something he could get help for. He was relieved that he wouldn't have to lie to me any more, that he could finally have power over his darkest secret. From that day he has been totally committed to his recovery, starting treatment with a therapist specialising in sex addiction and entering a 12 step program. His life has completely changed and despite the process of recovery being incredibly challenging and scary, he is feeling positive about both us and his own future.

I am the girlfriend. My story is not quite the same. On that day my world changed forever as well... and I am recovering now too. I didn't feel the same relief as him though. I felt shock, confusion, anger, overwhelming pain, grief, and have had to suddenly enter into a process of recovery that I never anticipated. The future does look bright for us, we love each other and are lucky in that we are both pretty good at communicating within our relationship, so both believe that we can get through it, but at times in the last 3 months I have felt like I am going crazy and have searched for any information, advice or support I can get. I'm starting this blog because one thing I have been hoping to find is someone else's story... someone else that is going through the same thing I am. Not just the moments of venting when the pain becomes overwheming, but the everyday coping and healing process. And apparently it helps to write stuff down.

So this is my story.

I should also let you know that my name is not Julia. Of course it's not. I am not using my real name because my partner deserves privacy to recover from his addiction. Maybe one day he'll want to write a book about it or whatever, but in the meantime it is his story to share, not mine. He doesn't tell anyone about his addiction without talking to me first, because it involves the most intimate parts of both our lives. So no names here. This is the partner's story. The girlfriend. Just call me 'Julia' :)

Oh yeah, and I will post links to the sites, articles and anything that helps me along the way so that you can find them too. One day at a time. We will be ok. xx